Scar(e) Yourself with These 80s Cult Horror Movies

As a kid growing up in the 1980s, I watched a lot of horror movies. (I was a child of divorce and latchkey kid. I think that explains a lot.) My parents were very young parents. I like to say, they didn’t know about Planned Parenthood. Now, with the influx of scary tv shows like American Horror Story: Freakshow and The Strain, it’s time to pull out the list of…

80s Cult Horror Movies I Watched as a Child

The statute of limitations on spoilers is expired. Hello, these are from the 80s!

Dolls (1987). Nothing is scarier than clowns but dolls are pretty much up there. These f*ckers are everywhere in your home, right? Who isn’t waiting for porcelain-faced mini people to come to life and stab you in the face?

Dolls. (1987 movie)

Ghoulies (1985). These buggers were really creepy to me. They’re slimy, bald, green things that like toilets. W.T.F. I also watched Ghoulies 2, and I could’ve sworn Seth Green was in it but IMDB doesn’t list him. Perhaps it was a different movie.

Ghoulies. I don’t know what else to say.

Happy Birthday to Me (1981). This stars what’s her name from Little House on the Prairie! Melissa Sue Anderson (Mary Ingalls)! She so crazy. After all those years hanging with Laura must’ve have made her nuts.

Happy Birthday To Me. She crazy, yo.

Midnight Offerings (1981). Her again! This was a TV movie about witches that spooked me. Melissa Sue Anderson’s blue eyes and bad hair star in this mish mash. This horror blog reviews the movie. Can you believe it aired on ABC?? And OMG – she wrote a book in 2010!

Source: http://horrornews.net/45984/film-review-midnight-offerings-1981/

Phantasm II (1988). When you start to dream about having a metal ball drilling into your head, I think it’s time to stop watching afternoon movies. Maybe that’s when I began to distrust tall, old white men. Rightfully so, I say.

No one wants to be chased in a funeral home.

Puppet Master (1989). Yeah, see? Killer dolls. Puppets – another horror species I do not like. Yet I watched this, its sequel and its other sequel. Then I noticed there were more, and I stopped. I can only take so much puppetry. Off-topic, have you watched Puppetry of the Penis? I have not and am not interested.

I want to say to these puppets “It gets better.” But it doesn’t.

Stephen King’s Cat’s Eye (1985). This is a Stephen King movie that contains three vignettes. Drew Barrymore is in it. A cat is in it. The cat is the hero. The cat also gets screwed because it’s a cat and can’t talk to humans. There’s a Smurf-sized troll that’s trying to kill Drew Barrymore. What an a-hole. How dare you try to kill Gertie. Go, Cat!

Cat’s Eye – I hate that troll thing. What an asshole.

Critters (1986). Who else is seeing a pattern of weirdo creatures killing humans? Scott Grimes (remember that guy?!) is the kid. I don’t know about you but I don’t think we should have cut funding to NASA and continued to send people to space. We need to arm ourselves with education so we can fight alien species.

Critters. Another damn alien species. I wish NASA was still alive.

I could go on and on but this is not a horror movie site. As you scrolled down, did you come up with a few more cult-ish horror movies that you’ve watched?

If you have a favorite, why not post it in the comments?

If I can find it on Netflix, I’ll stream it and let you know what I thought.

Happy Halloween.

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